Life is driving me to insanity.

I’m just so stressed out.

I feel like I am millions of steps behind where I wanted to be by now.

I’ve had little time for anything.

My circumstances are always changing.

I am lonely most days.

And extremely cranky other days.

But right now I am just sad.

I have no idea what tomorrow looks like.

I trust in God, but I am still afraid.

I miss writing.

MAAM is currently under construction. Gonna make this page better…and probably going to stick with this blog :)

it’s been awhile.

Hello to my lovely poetry Tumblr community.

Forgive me for my anti-socialness lately, but a lot’s been happening around here. Many new changes, different set of circumstances…my life literally is not the same as it was since my  last poem was published here.

First off, My hours were cut at work. Not only were they cut, but my location + title were changed as well, and I now work where I did work in the past, with children. That job requires a lot of my free time too, since we formed a dance troupe before I left before, and now we are pretty much picking up where we left off :)

I am officially a beauty school student.

I am planning to blog. Don’t worry, I will still continue to use this.

I’m also in a relationship. As of St. Patty’s Day :)

And all of these things happened within the last three weeks. All the time before that I’ve been just swamped, with very little time to write poetry, because of figuring out financial aid, deciding whether or not this was the right time to go back to school (it was- and it took a leap of faith to figure it out. Try it sometime! It is SO worth it) and struggling to pay my bills. But God always, always, always provides to those who remain faithful in Him. Oh, how I strive to be that.

So forgive me if I haven’t responded to your messages and things. I promise to get back on board ASAP. How have you all been + what’s new with everyone?

I’m going to make a new blog.

I am either going to make a new blog or turn this one into something else.  I have been writing like crazy lately. I have some pretty good ones + I’m not sure if they will fit in with the debbie downers I post here. What I should make a “darkness” + a “light” blog duo…

Things That Give Me The Chills

1. Long prayers (it’s the Holy Spirit, really).
2. Lana Del Rey’s monologue in her “National Anthem” video.
3. The opening credits to Skyfall when Adele’s song began playing. Talk about something nobody can do better than Adele. Just powerful.
4. Kissing the love of my life.
5. Thinking about kissing the love of my life.
6. Writing a poem that’s actually good, like when the words are practically flying right out of my hands onto the paper.
7. Admitting truth, or a secret about myself to someone else.
8. Any song that I have on repeat on my iPod, if it’s got an amazing beat. Or tune. Or when a powerful voice comes out of someone who’s singing. I get SO excited over music.
9. Being overly excited for something…whether it’s a wedding, a concert, buying something I really wanted or seeing someone I can’t wait to see…and finally getting to that moment where I get to have what I want.
10. Sophie Barker’s voice with Zero 7’s music. Mmm mmm good.
11. When I get butterflies.

grizzledadams asked: Happy birthday to you too!!!! :)

trust no one.

this life I have lived-

it’s taught me a decent amount of things,

some things I’ll need years from today

and other things- today.

the most of significant lessons I have ever learned,

I learned young-

too young-

and many times,

at times, in horrible ways.

I’ve grown desensitized to this knowledge

to the point

that no one can even convince me of otherwise.

you can’t lose anything you never had,

trust included.

the benefits are many

including insurance

that you’re protected,

your heart will never be broken,

nor will you ever need to wonder too hard

since mind games are a hell of its own.

the cards are in your hands now,

let it show.

this is the life I have always known,

and these are the ways I have been shown.

for I would much rather believe my truth

than a sugarcoated, opposing seed of hope

meant to be planted in the center of my life

just for product to be cut at the roots

once it has grown to be something.

sometimes it’s a joke living my life

it’s not a game, it’s just battlefield

nobody’s trying to win, we’re all simply trying to survive

everyone looks after their own self

and I should probably get on that train myself.

secrets between two are never safe

and people come and go so quickly

it gives me whiplash. 

the condescending have no place in my life

I’ve always felt alone, even in a crowded room

and the dreams I have held onto so tight

mean nothing now since I let reality consume

friends constantly become enemies, girls hate and guys use

it’s a matter of how much you’re going to let them abuse

but even to extremes, I will not be a victim.

I’ve come to understand that I will never be anyone’s little girl

nor could I ever be anyone’s girl

all I can be is an independent mind

a free spirit, who belongs to no one.

my life is just an ongoing journey 

and I trust no one

until it ends.

grizzledadams asked: Thanks for the follow!!! We share the same bday!! Haha

Thanks for yours first!! And that is awesome. Happy birthday!! :)

konekomia asked: Happy Birthday! :)

Thank you so much dear! :)

Birthday.

So at 5:15 tonight I am officially 23 years old. How did this happen?? I still feel like I’m 13 in so many ways…

I need a new career!!!

Here are the things I love: baking/designing cupcakes, inspiring others, discovering awesome new music, kids/babies, being fit, dancing, makeup, modeling sometimes (not that I’ve ever done that professionally, because I’m too short), keeping myself beautified (hair and makeup wise), being a good role model, being hospitable, making cards + invitations/scrapbooking/stationary/doing fun crafts, the beach, writing/poetry/reading/songwriting, driving, the south, French lifestyle, serving God, helping others, setting goals/challenges, fundraising, doing random nice things for people, city help

I am passionate about: following dreams, creativity, a healthy family environment, being a good example, self-expression, my style/look, being + living a set-apart life, writing, doing things my way, being outside of my homestate, city help, having fun

Skills/strengths (possible weaknesses): prefer to work alone or with less people, introvert, most motivated when I’m interested, I have an excellent way with words/fantastic writing skills, obsessed with office supplies and stores like Office Max, a huge love for and a large amount of knowledge for beauty, tons of experience with kids, creative, licensed driver, compassionate, a fun-lover, grounded in my Christian faith

Lifestyle preference: relaxed, not too many stressful responsibilities, positive, encouraging

Jobs that I can incorporate with these things (not that I am passionate about ALL of them): entrepreneur of some sort, charity worker/founder, freelance writer, makeup artist, social worker, volunteer worker (so in other words, this isn’t really a career choice I don’t believe), stay-at-home mom, traveler, baker/cupcake shop owner, card/gift shop owner, music editor for films, a Christian model (aka a model who is influenced by her morals in what she does for her job such as: eating healthy, dressing classy/modest but trendy, uses her fame/fortune/popularity/influence for good causes, etc), photographer, blogger, embassy worker, missionary, songwriter, esthetician, nanny/babysitter

Do you say YAY or NAY to any of these? Why or why not?? Is there anything I’ve missed? What do you think??? :)

This ish pisses me off.

“Men crave variety. This is normal. It’s all about whether he acts on this desire.

Men can admit attraction to favorite celebrities, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can go to bachelor parties, go to a strip club, and still be great husbands and fathers.”

These things are all common things that any healthy man can enjoy and still have a wonderful family and a fulfilling marriage. They do not affect your marriage unless you let them affect it.

Excuse me? They do not affect your marriage unless you let them affect it, as in it’s the other person’s fault if their partner’s obsession with sex destroys their relationship/marriage/family? This is why I am always indecisive about marriage, especially if this is what everything’s come down to. I really don’t want to live on this planet anymore…

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers. Um, no, you can’t. A man, who was once married to a woman, decided to fool around with some bimbo at his job once his wife became a mother. That same man would carelessly leave up porn sites/nude pics for his daughter to come across whenever she went to put in her Barbie CD-ROM game. The man, who was depressed and probably an alcoholic, was always sheltering himself away from his wife and daughter. When he was actually around, he was abusive toward them. And the same man dropped me out of his life when I was 14. You guessed it- that man was my father, who is now on his third marriage, which makes him not only a lousy father, but probably a lousy husband too. 

Sure porn and women-fantasizing isn’t to blame for absolutely everything he did, but who knows, if he wasn’t into porn and sex so much, maybe he would have had that one successful marriage. Maybe wouldn’t have been so damn lonely and distant from his family…which may have caused his depression…which caused him to need anti-depressants…which may have caused him to drink…which caused him to become absolutely crazy…which may have caused him to repeat his family cycle of being a lousy father and husband?

On behalf of all the children/wives who have ever had to deal with filthy, pleasure-addicted, psychopathic fathers or husbands/bf’s… thanks for effing up the way we’ll always view the male species and for the way that shapes how we’ll treat and view anyone else who ever comes into our lives. Hope those smut bachelor parties, trashy one-night-stands, nude pics, ridiculous fantasies of things that will probably never happen to you and secret stash of bookmarked porn sites were worth ruining your lives over.

A nice eff you to anyone who wants to argue with me on this. I feel bad for any of the kids you may raise. Or raised.

i cried while writing this.

I was hurting being walked on all the time

because of this, I had been walking alone all of my life

never knew heaven was hearing my prayers, even the ones I wasn’t saying

but one day You came

You told me to come away with You, let You be my love

there is a beautiful home that You have prepared for me

and You have been waiting ever since

but I said no

said my fake pearls, gold change and the disaster I called my life was more interesting than any love You had to offer me

I left You heartbroken as I ran away

when I did all of that, who were You to love me anyway?

I soared right back into familiarity and filth 

and there I remained until

the pearls turned out to be fake

my gold change became scarce

and the disaster I called my life tripled more in size each day

evil winged, hopping, slithering beings knotted lies into my curls

so that they would hang around my ears all day, echoing lies

I cried and cried

when my eyes became dry, I desired for my heart to stop as well

for such a long, long time I did everything I could

to be, to feel in control

which only emptied my soul more until my spirit became thin and pale

and my faith was just a river of tears

with a very hungry belly

I remembered that You offered me life

and the memory of those words comforted me

but the lies were still in ties with my hair

until I cut it all off

when suddenly, in the distance, I could see Your light

and despite the tears You cried for me, You told me to run faster into Your arms

I said, “here I am”

taking my hand, You asked me to “please, come be My bride”

“but…”

I reminded You that a broken road that led me here to You

and that although I had a dress, it was no longer white

it wasn’t even whole

it is a shade darker than midnight, torn and ripped at the train

I am frailed

I have failed

but You told me that You loved to look at me still

and that this is the day where I need stop feeling ashamed

and that this is the day I am no longer afraid 

of my past

“Come with Me, I will love you always,

no matter what clothes you wear or the person You used to be

this is here and now, and already I have given you a gift

it is your brand-new heart

it is whole, it is undivided

and because I am omnipresent, I will guide it -and you- always

until the day You are Home with Me”

all I knew how to do was to fall to my knees, long for Thee

and thank You for loving me